How to get what you need from a loved one… without ruining your relationship
Picture this: You’ve been at home all day with your 7-week-old. You need a solo walk outside after your partner comes home from work… but they want to make dinner together.
Or…your in-laws want to visit the new baby ASAP and stay for a week….you need more time before visitors show up.
SO HOW TO DO ASK FOR WHAT YOU NEED? ESPECIALLY WHEN 99% of your day is caring for a new baby.
It's called objective effectiveness (aka “DEAR MAN”).
DEAR is an acronym which stands for Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce.
STEP 1: DESCRIBE the situation objectively. Use numbers and facts. Avoid opinions.
"During the weekday, I am with the baby from 7 am to 6 pm. They are napping 15 min at at time. They fall asleep on me right now."
STEP 2: EXPRESS the impact. How does it make you feel?
"I feel like I'm always "on call" and I'll have to drop everything if the baby needs to feed, burp, or is fussing. This leaves me with little time to recharge, like getting outside by myself to walk."
STEP 3: ASSERT what you need. Be clear. Be specific.
"I need at least 30 minutes everyday to get outside by myself and take a walk. This can happen either after you get home from work or before you leave in the morning."
STEP 4: REINFORCE. Reward the person for following through with your ask. Think: What's in it for them? What would motivate them?
"When I get my daily solo exercise, my mood is so much better, and I'll be in a better place to enjoy our time after the baby goes to bed."
M-A- N is an acronym for how you should conduct this conversation:
Be Mindful of your goal/your ask.
Appear Confident. Use eye contact & avoid fidgeting.
Negotiate. Be open to compromise.
Being a new parent is hard, and making your needs shows your commitment to self-preservation, which in turn, means an even better version of yourself for your entire family. Getting the rest, nutrition, hydration and emotional support you need as you recover from birthing your baby is essential to that recovery. Congratulations on being someone who is wise enough to prioritize their healing during this delicate and vulnerable time.
Remember, if you are struggling you are not alone.
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✉️ kathleen@bostonareadoulas.com
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